What to Look for in Choosing a Bride: Beauty, Religion, Nature and Compatibility

One of the foundations of a happy married life is choosing the right partner. In society the bride's complexion, height, wealth or the family's fame is often given the most importance. Islam does not entirely deny these matters, but it teaches the order of priority.

The key hadith

A woman is married for four reasons — her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religiosity. So choose the religious woman, and you will prosper. — (Sahih al-Bukhari 5090; Sahih Muslim 1466)

The hadith describes reality and shows the path of benefit: give priority to religiosity.

A righteous wife: the best asset of this world

This world is a provision, and the best provision of this world is the righteous woman. — (Sahih Muslim 1467)

The list of Imam al-Ghazali (may Allah have mercy on him)

In the marriage chapter of Ihya Ulum ad-Din, Imam al-Ghazali (may Allah have mercy on him) mentions eight qualities in a wife (summary):

1. Religiosity
2. Good character
3. A pleasing face / physical beauty
4. A low mahr (an easy marriage)
5. Ability to bear children
6. Being unmarried (a virgin) — though this is a preference, not a condition
7. A noble lineage
8. Not being a very close relative

These are not Shariah conditions, but the Imam's observations and advice. Details: Summary of the marriage chapter of Ihya Ulum ad-Din.

What to look at from a practical viewpoint

• Religiosity: prayer, a relationship with the Qur'an, honesty, interest in modesty.
• Nature: anger and patience, speech, conduct towards the family.
• Education and compatibility: emotional and intellectual compatibility gives stability to the household.
• Health: transparency about serious health matters.
• Family: her relationship with her parents and relatives.
• Her own opinion: the bride's consent is essential; she must herself be willing (Marriage against a girl's will).

Widows, divorced women and previously married women

Most of the wives of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ had been married before. So the idea that "unless she is a virgin she is not good" is not the teaching of Shariah. See Widow marriage and Remarriage of a divorced woman.

What to avoid

• Infatuation with only looks or only wealth.
• Insulting comparisons or remarks about the bride.
• Unreasonable conditions — dowry, lavish arrangements (Dowry and the bride-price custom).
• Deceptive photos / information.

Seeing beauty in the right balance

Beauty is a permissible element of attraction — seeing her before marriage is in accordance with the Sunnah. But beauty is fleeting; character and religiosity are lasting. A household that begins purely on the basis of outward beauty can face disappointment with time. So alongside looks and build, give importance to nature, speech, the family's sense of honour and religious interest.

Some ways of understanding nature

• Learn through the guardians how she treats the elder members of the family.
• In a brief conversation, note the maturity of her thinking, her patience and empathy.
• How does she react to a small disagreement — calmly or aggressively?
• Take time and take opinions from several sources (mother, aunts, neighbours).

Family culture and values

Marriage is not only a relationship between two people but a connection between two families. So a basic compatibility between the values of the two families (a religious environment, respect for women, attitude towards waste / show) is important (Kufu).

What can be left unseen (but society looks at)

• Complexion, height, a model-like face — these are not Shariah yardsticks.
• Social fame or the preference of relatives — not the basis of your real decision.
• The idea of "only a virgin" (Marriage of a divorced woman / widow).

Respect for widows and divorced women

A previous marriage does not mean unsuitability. Many women are able to manage a household with full patience, experience and maturity. The example of the life of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ supports this attitude (The marriages of the Prophet ﷺ).

Advice for women themselves

As a bride, you too should make your values and expectations clear. Not only "what the family wants", your consent and comfort are also to be considered (Marriage against a girl's will).

What the process should be like

First an introduction through the guardians, verification, then meeting in the Shariah way (Marriage proposals and meeting), istikhara (Istikhara), then the decision. For preparation and help, contact us.