Islam's Yardstick for Choosing a Groom: Religiosity, Character and a Sense of Responsibility

Finding a good groom for a daughter's marriage is a great worry of every guardian. Some look for a government job, some for someone returned from abroad, some for a wealthy family. But the yardstick the Messenger of Allah ﷺ gave is deeper and more beneficial.

The key hadith

If someone comes to you (with a marriage proposal) with whose religiosity and character you are satisfied, then marry (her) to him. If you do not, there will be fitnah on earth and widespread corruption. — (Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1084; Sunan Ibn Majah 1967)

There are two yardsticks: religion and character. The other matters are secondary considerations, not the core.

Signs of religiosity

• Regular in the obligatory prayers (especially in congregation) and careful about fasting.
• Lawful earnings, avoiding interest, bribes and unlawful dealings.
• Modesty, guarding the gaze and respect for women.
• Eagerness to learn religious knowledge, a relationship with scholars.

Signs of character

• Truthfulness, keeping promises.
• Controlling anger and restraint in conduct.
• Respectful treatment of parents and others.
• Kindness to subordinates and the weak.

Responsibility and earnings

The very minimum expectation of a husband is the ability and the willingness to support the family. Even without a high salary, a lawful profession, steady effort and a mindset of saving are important for marital happiness. Details: The mutual rights of husband and wife.

How much kufu (equality)

Although compatibility in education, family and profession is to be considered, taqwa is the real basis of honour:

Indeed, the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is the one who has the most taqwa. — (Surah Al-Hujurat, 49:13)

See What kufu is and how important it is.

How to verify

1. Learn about the groom's conduct from the imam of the local mosque, worshippers and neighbours.
2. Ask colleagues or business partners about his honesty.
3. Family background — his relationship with his parents, his brothers' and sisters' behaviour.
4. Do not blindly trust an attractive social media profile.
5. Place your trust only when the same information matches from several sources.

Warning signs

• Neglect of prayer and contempt for religion.
• Addiction to intoxicants, gambling or obscenity.
• A habit of lying, repeatedly breaking promises.
• Disrespectful words or conduct towards women.
• Unreasonable demands about dowry or mahr.
• Evasiveness about a previous marriage or children.

Extra verification if the groom is for a second marriage

If the groom is already married, additionally find out: his treatment of the first wife, his record of maintenance, the housing arrangements, the legal process (The legal process of plural marriage) and his plan for upholding justice. Question list: 10 questions if you want to become a second wife.

A practical verification questionnaire

Ask yourself (or the guardians) these questions about the groom:

1. How does he pray — congregation, punctuality?
2. What is his source of income; is it lawful and stable?
3. How does he behave when angry — what do neighbours / colleagues say?
4. What is his relationship with his parents and brothers and sisters?
5. Is there modesty in his conversation and conduct with women?
6. How transparent is he about previous marriages / relationships?
7. Does he listen to advice when making decisions?

What to ask at the meeting

• Life goals and religious commitment.
• His attitude towards the wife's studies / work / religious work.
• His ideas about raising children and where the family will live.
• Financial responsibility and the habit of saving.
• The way of making decisions in the household and the style of resolving disagreement.

Is there a groom with "everything right"?

There is no flawless groom. What matters is to ensure the basic qualities (religion and character) and, in the case of small faults, to consider tolerance and the possibility of correction. According to the teaching of the Qur'an, there can be good even in what one dislikes (Surah An-Nisa 4:19).

Extra enquiries if the groom is for a second marriage

• Has legal permission been obtained, or is there a process to obtain it?
• How does he treat the first wife — what is his reputation?
• Is there a clear plan for separate housing and expenses? (Maintenance and housing)
• What is his understanding of justice in dividing time? (Justice)

If you have made a mistake

If after the marriage proof of serious deception or injustice emerges, there are legal and Shariah remedies (What a wife can do). But caution beforehand is the most effective.

Finally, istikhara

After verifying everything, istikhara and consultation (Istikhara) — then trust in Allah. For help including Shariah verification, contact us.