Must equality be kept in gifts and spending among the children of different wives?

The hadith has a clear instruction about justice among children; different spending according to need and circumstance (such as medical care or education) is fair, but needless favouritism is oppression.

What should I do to build good relations among half-siblings?

From the beginning introduce them to each other as part of the family, bring them together in joint worship and events, avoid comparison and favouritism and ensure respectful conduct from the mothers.

Raising Children in a Multi-Wife Family: Equality and Upbringing

Raising children in a multi-wife family is an extra responsibility. Different mothers, differences in age, separate homes — all together, feelings of neglect or jealousy can arise in the children's minds. Shariah has given clear guidance on this.

Equality among the children

When the father of Nu'man ibn Bashir (may Allah be pleased with him) gave him some gifts and wanted to make the Messenger of Allah ﷺ a witness, the Prophet ﷺ asked: have you given all your children the same? He said, no. Then the Prophet ﷺ said:

اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَاعْدِلُوا بَيْنَ أَوْلَادِكُمْ

Fear Allah and be just among your children. — (Sahih al-Bukhari 2587; Sahih Muslim 1623)

The hadith is especially important in a multi-wife household, because here there is a greater risk that emotion towards the mother will affect conduct towards the child. See also Justice between multiple wives.

Express love

When the Messenger of Allah ﷺ kissed Hasan (may Allah be pleased with him), a man said: I have ten children, I have never kissed any. The Prophet ﷺ said, The one who shows no mercy will be shown no mercy. (Sahih al-Bukhari 5997; Sahih Muslim 2318) If hugs, stories and attention with the children are left out because of busyness, that is neglect.

Raising daughters

مَنْ عَالَ جَارِيَتَيْنِ حَتَّى تَبْلُغَا جَاءَ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ أَنَا وَهُوَ

Whoever raises two girls until they reach adulthood, he and I will come on the Day of Resurrection like this — (and he joined his fingers together). — (Sahih Muslim 2631)

Annoyance at the birth of a daughter, or favouritism between boys and girls, is entirely a pre-Islamic attitude.

Relations between half-siblings

Tell the children from childhood that they are children of the same father and have rights and duties towards one another.
The mothers should respect each other's children; never criticise in front of them.
Bring everyone together at Eid, iftar or family gatherings (where possible and safe).
Avoid comparisons or remarks like "that mother's son is not like this mother's son".
Teach respect for elders and affection for the young.

Financial fairness

Education, medical care, clothing and marriage — although each child's needs differ, the main yardstick is fairness. In inheritance the children have fixed shares; during your lifetime refrain from unjustly depriving anyone or giving anyone extra. (In specific cases of distributing property and gifts, take a mufti's advice.) See also Expenses and housing for multiple households.

Tarbiyah, or religious upbringing

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا

O you who believe! Protect yourselves and your families from the Fire. — (Surah At-Tahrim, 66:6)

Teaching prayer, encouraging Qur'an recitation, practising truthfulness and kindness, giving up backbiting and lying — such teaching should not differ from one mother's house to another. The parents' conduct is the greatest teaching.

وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous." — (Surah Al-Furqan, 25:74)

Parents' disputes and the children's emotional security

Do not carry on a dispute in front of the children or through them. Do not make the children messengers. If the dispute grows, take the mediation of an adult elder (Marital disputes and arbitration).

A short checklist

Regular time and separate attention for every child
Fair spending on education and medical care
A culture of respect among half-siblings
Special care and respect for daughters
Courtesy between the mothers

The needs of a child at different ages

Childhood (0–7): affection, security, play, teaching manners.
Adolescence (8–14): forming religious habits, choosing friends, confidence.
The threshold of adulthood (15+): responsibility, higher education, preparation for marriage, trust.

At each age the father's time and attention should be divided in the same way across the different families; give the eldest responsibility and the youngest affection — but without depriving anyone.

Balance between affection and discipline

Discipline: a fair and respectful method of correcting mistakes; not insult and physical abuse.
Affection: hugs, praise and time — which build the child's confidence.
Consistency: the same rules for all children, even if the mothers differ.

The role of the mothers

Each mother will raise her own child with the greatest care — this is natural. But good treatment, respect and, where needed, help towards stepchildren is a test of her character. Looking after the child of another household in the father's absence is a rewarded act. Scolding or discrimination towards stepchildren creates a permanent wound in the household.

Equality in education and career

Ensure opportunities for education, skills and future employment for all sons and daughters. Neglect in a daughter's education, or investing less than in a son's, is contrary to Islamic teaching.

Fairness in marriage and inheritance

Keep fairness in helping with the children's marriages and in giving gifts during your lifetime. The distribution of inheritance will follow the shares fixed by Shariah; a will or gift made with the aim of depriving anyone is wrong. Take the advice of a mufti and a lawyer in these matters.

For advice about children in the household, contact us.

Raising Children in a Multi-Wife Family: Equality, Love and Islamic Upbringing