Marital Disputes and Arbitration: Saving the Household in Light of Surah An-Nisa 4:35

No household is free of dispute. There was sulking and hurt feeling even in the Prophet's family. The problem arises when a dispute turns into insult, neglect or envy. The Qur'an and Sunnah have taught us how to make the last effort to save the household.

The first step: control yourself

The strong person is not the one who wins at wrestling; rather the strong one is the one who controls himself at the time of anger. — (Sahih al-Bukhari 6114; Sahih Muslim 2609)

In a moment of anger, do not speak of divorce, insult or revenge. Step away for a while, make wudu, make du'a.

No striking or abuse

Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ never struck anyone with his own hand — neither a woman nor a servant. (Sahih Muslim 2328) So in ordinary disputes there is no justification for physical or mental abuse. (In explaining the graduated measure described in Surah An-Nisa 4:34, scholars have made clear that it is only a last resort and can in no way be harmful or insulting; take a mufti's advice in specific cases.)

The second step: discussion and reconciliation

And if a woman fears from her husband ill-treatment or aversion, there is no blame on them if they make terms of settlement between themselves; and settlement is best. — (Surah An-Nisa, 4:128)

Rules of discussion: one speaks, the other listens; not "you always…" but "I feel hurt…"; not dragging in old matters; being solution-oriented.

The third step: arbitration (hakam)

And if you fear a breach between the two, send an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will bring about agreement between them. Indeed Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware. — (Surah An-Nisa, 4:35)

Qualities of arbitrators: honest, prudent, keepers of confidentiality, working with the intention to save the household without taking sides. They will listen to the complaints of both sides and clarify rights and responsibilities.

Arbitration in a multi-wife household

When a dispute over justice arises in a household of several wives, the mediation of family and scholars is especially effective. See Handling co-wife jealousy and Justice.

If there is no reconciliation

Then either retain them in a fair manner or release them with kindness. — (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:229)

And do not retain them to harm them, so that you transgress. — (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:231 — in part)

On the process of divorce or khula, legal notice and rights, see Talaq and khula: the rules and What a wife can do if the husband is not just.

Small habits that sustain a household

• At least a few minutes of open talk every day.
• Expressing gratitude and small gifts.
• Respect for each other's families.
• Financial decisions by joint discussion.
• Joint participation in worship: congregation, Qur'an, du'a.

An effective structure for arbitration

1. Preparation: husband and wife separately write down or organise their complaints and expectations.
2. Choosing the hakams: prudent, trusted, God-fearing persons from both families.
3. The first meeting: the two hakams first listen to each separately.
4. A joint meeting: discussion in a calm setting; nobody shouts or insults.
5. A draft of the solution: specific commitments about time division, expenses, conduct etc.
6. Review: looking at progress after some days.

Common mistakes in arbitration

• A one-sided verdict or insulting one party.
• Revealing confidential matters or spreading rumours.
• Pressure from powerful relatives, which disturbs justice.
• Making arbitration a means of forcing divorce.

When not arbitration but legal help

In case of physical abuse, a threat to life or complete stoppage of maintenance, do not wait for arbitration; arrange safety and legal help (emergency service 999, the women and children violence prevention helpline 109). Details: What a wife can do if the husband is not just.

How to hold the household together after arbitration

• Small goals and deadlines for implementing the decision.
• Regular conversation and, if needed, consultation meetings.
• No new dispute by raking up old events.
• Increasing habits of worship and gratitude.

Arbitration in a multi-family household

If there are several wives, arbitration needs the participation of all sides and arrangements for confidentiality. Instead of bringing a household crisis into open discussion of one wife's judgement in front of another, try to resolve it in separate meetings (Justice).

For Shariah advice or mediation in marital problems, contact us.